What I live for
by NCR Ranger
Summary: It was torture for Sonny as he faced a watery death- but it hurt Lisa as well.


For the life of her, Lisa Davis couldn't get back to sleep.

The blood-red numbers on her bedside clock, glowing like a cartoon villain's eyes in the dark, weren't lying: even in her partially awake state, she could tell the time was _exactly_ 3:00am. On the dot. It was 3 in the morning, and here she was, wide awake.

The bed's sheets and comforter were still covering her, but they were all badly twisted and knotted, clear evidence of how much she'd tossed and turned in the scant hours of the night when she _had_ been asleep. Blades of pale moonlight extended into the room through her window's shades, and the distant echo of C-5 Galaxy and C-17 Globemaster heavylift transport planes arriving and departing rumbled in from the base's airstrip.

Another night for a Navy girl.

It was all so familiar. On most nights- on any _other_ night than tonight- they'd actually _help_ with letting her sleep. They had a soothing, comforting quality that someone might get from the sound of traffic rushing past on a highway, or a ceiling fan.

Lisa had fallen asleep, and stayed asleep, surrounded by this, too many times to count. It'd always been enough to help her get her 8 hours, even when she'd been weighed down by stress, frustration, or a flat out bad day. Over and over, after returning to her home when the day's tasks were done, Lisa always had the comfort of being able to get a solid night's rest, before getting up again to do it all again the next day.

Technically, it _was_ already the next day. 3:00am, to be exact. She'd have to be up in about 4 hours. This was why sleep was such a crucial commodity; getting every hour of it that was available in a night mattered. Lisa would need them all to do her job right.

She knew that. But, as she lay here at such wretchedly early hour, eyes _open,_ not _shut_ , listening to the base's near-constant noise orchestra, she knew why she wasn't asleep anymore.

She knew why she'd woken up for seemingly no reason. The logistics specialist pressed her eyes shut ( which did nothing to get her sleepier ), exhaling while she rubbed both palms over her face.

 _Sonny._

 _That_ was why. Lisa knew it, no matter how much her own mind wanted to keep that hidden, in a play to actually let her sleep. _That_ was why she couldn't not stay awake. She rolled over, twice, dragging the sheets and covers with her, but that stinging sensation of being unable to fall asleep stayed.

 _Sonny._

At this exact moment, it wasn't anywhere near this early where Sonny was. The time difference between the US and Asia had it that it was still daylight on the other side of the Pacific. Bravo Team was still far away from the US West Coast, finishing up their mission on the shores of North Korea. The one that'd ended only _hours_ ago.

The mission that had nearly killed Sonny.

Lisa felt a frigid shiver run over her. Sonny, the indomitable, gun loving ( even for a SEAL, though it _was_ fitting, and respected our right to be armed ) Texan SEAL had come within 5 minutes of dying. And not any kind of death, but a slow, tormented one: _drowning._

Not being shot. Not a kind of death that was swift, and mostly painless, but _drowning._ Slow, drawn out, and leaving you wishing you were _already_ dead if you couldn't be saved.

On one hand, on a darker level, Lisa knew she couldn't- didn't _want_ to- contemplate Sonny dying in _any_ way. It didn't matter and she didn't care that he was a SEAL and on the front lines of the Global Anti-Terror Conflict, doing high risk missions; she'd wound up with feelings for him, and that changed everything.

It'd made that whole ordeal she'd gone through yesterday that much more painful. He was on the other side of the world, slowly- _slowly_ \- inching toward _certain death,_ and Lisa could do nothing. She couldn't call anyone, take control of anything, or provide any advice or intel that could do anything to assist. In short, she was helpless.

Helpless to watch and listen, while Sonny was about to die. It hardly even mattered that it was a slow death; he was still about to _die._

And there was _nothing_ she could do. Nothing at all.

Lisa pressed her mouth tightly closed, feeling a prickly sensation at the corner of her eyes. It reminded her of how she'd reacted from Mandy solemnly telling her of how grave the situation was. It had been a crushing body blow, and even getting told that none of them were giving in had stopped Lisa's tears that soon followed. She'd had to leave the command room, and had spent God-knows- how-long sitting against one of the walls, profusely weeping into her pulled up knees.

It must've looked pathetic. Maybe someone who'd seen her had thought so- not that Lisa had actually noticed.

Sonny- her Sonny- was about to die, and she was helpless.

Lisa felt wetness under her eyes.

She was crying, at least a bit, again. The military discipline she had in her hated it, because it saw crying as weak, and useless. How could it fix anything ?

That wasn't the point, though. The rest of Lisa- the woman- understood that. She'd been unable to help Sonny anyway with all the tools and assets she'd had to hand; wasn't she allowed to feel vulnerable at least once ? For him ?

 _Sonny was still alive_.

That was the one thing she could cling to now, feeling said crippling vulnerability. Mandy had burst out of the command room doors without a hint of warning, shouting that Sonny _was alive._

They'd _gotten him out._

He _wasn't_ dead.

Actual tears slowly made their way down Lisa's face. Upon hearing the news, she'd kept on crying, and Mandy, bless her, dropped the coolly relaxed CIA agent routine, and gotten down to the floor to hug her.

Lisa hugged back, grateful without a doubt, but still wishing that it were Sonny in her arms instead.

This couldn't go on any longer, all his tap dancing around what they- her and him- both _knew_ they had, and both knew was real. That she was angling for OCS didn't matter anymore when it came to something standing in the way- or maybe it did, and they hadn't figured out how to get around it. The point, though, was that was a bridge they'd burn later. Together.

When Sonny came back to her.

Inhaling, blinking away some of the salty water that's come out of her eyes, she rolled over to look at the clock.

3:04am

Time was _still_ dragging itself forward. But,it was getting there, and Lisa vowed to herself, right then and there, that'd she would get it right when she had Sonny back

 _No more waiting. No more hurdles and excuses._

 _I can't handle that anymore. Soon as you're back, you crazy Texan. I will remind you why you truly have something to live for, no matter how much you already know._

Feeling at least some measure of resolve, Lisa allowed her right side to sink into the mattress, pulling the covers over her head and letting the rumble of another C-17 lull her a few steps closer to sleep.

Which, now, actually seemed within reach.


End file.
